This is my offering to the We're Not Afraid site put up recently to show solidarity around the world for the victims and survivors of London's tragic bombings on July 7th. I see the site is so overwhelmed it is too busy to respond at the moment; that's good and bad -- the pictures brought tears of joy and love to my eyes, a different kind of salt, a different body of water I crossed, head bobbing up and down in the waves like a buoy, no longer am I flailing about in the Dead Sea, but now I am crossing the Atlantic Ocean with broad strokes, to stand with my friends "across the pond" and yet, the world has so much love pouring out in support, that the server cannot handle the traffic. I can't wait to see more pictures! They are resolute, showing resolve, they are all priceless, precious, lives, smiles, proud, some funny, many clever, and there is anger, steadfast, denying fear, NO FEAR, they shout, some even giving the finger, one whole family even, three generations' worth of Fuck You's, to those that would dare think of causing even more harm to innocents. I clicked and clicked, tears welling up, goosebumps rising, unable to tear myself away.
I found the link at Yule's Studio yesterday as I was trying to catch up with the world's events at a furious pace. So, yes, I know there was a terrorist bombing and yes, I know there was another vicious attack from Nature by the category 4 Hurricane Dennis, I realize the G8 Summit is taking place, that unlike Bush, Tony Blair did rush back home to London from the summit meeting to give a grand speech to calm the citizens of England; I know that Bolton is cooling his heels in the rectory, Mad Cow has been outed, as has Rove, and the reporter Miller has been inned... So much news, always so bad, seeping in through my subconcious in a watery vortex, but lately, in between the bad news, there are new discoveries, and even scattered here and there, a few hints that the winds are turning in our favor, little pinpoints of light, of Hope. 
The Sun has been spitting, maybe because of gamma ray bursts or gravity waves, or maybe he's just irritated with World Events; nobody knows for sure, but new energy signatures are being recorded and monitored, registered at many times faster than the speed of light, and this is exciting for the geeks in us. Look at the white ball anomoly on the 02:06 time stamp below, which shows the two last powerful solar events and CMEs:
Because of all this solar energy shouting out at the cosmos, raining down on our planet, there have been terrible winds blowing through here with a fierceness I have never seen before. They came whipping through again last night, gusting up to 50 miles an hour, knocking out powerlines, transformers and two local tv stations, banging the blinds against all the windows in the house like a horror movie of a haunted house; they threw heavy potted trees and shrub right down on the ground, tubs I can hardly lift myself, but the wind knocked them over effortlessly. My poor flower arrangements, done for -- the pretty Peruvian Lillies from Cuz'n Jim -- petals, scattered clear across the living room floor. I came in to shut the windows, to stop the banging, to keep out the smokey wind from a furious wind-revived wildfire nearby, and found the scene of a pixie wedding that I had evidently just missed, flower petals strewn across carpet and the marriage carriage had already made its getaway back to the forest, dragging not tin cans behind, but tiny mushrooms from my front yard...
***
I have decided to stop mourning. I have had enough of this. I'm tired of this emotion taking complete and total control over me. I miss my sense of humor and am desperate for it to come roaring up my driveway again, and park.
I know I will still grieve for Himself, for a long, long time to come, perhaps forever, but I only cried twice yesterday and I congratulated myself, feeling stronger, able and willing to carry out the tasks at hand: I need lots of dog food. 50 lbs. each, stacked up in the garage. I need 60 lb. bags of salt pellets, for the water conditioner, before it runs out and ruins it. I need to haul water. Those 5 gal. jugs weigh about 35-40 pounds each, but I can do this. I will do this. I know I can, if I just reach deep enough inside of me to find my grandmother's strong stock.
***
Today: a trip to the DMV. I will pack a pick-a-nic basket to take with me. On top, I will place all the files and folders holding all the titles, receipts, registrations, copies of the death certificate, our marriage certificate, my birth certificate and a sample of my DNA, to prove that I Yam who I say I Yam, to transfer ownership of all the vehicles into my name. Then, I can start running ads in the classified section.
Good news: one person called back, of the several messages I left with local heating/servicing companies. Remember the heater that had to be replaced in the middle of winter? Well, the old one is still sitting out in the garage. This guy says the burner alone is worth $300, perhaps four or five hundred for the whole heating unit; someone will want it, to heat their workshop so they can work in it all winter long. Yay!!
The boat and trailer? I cannot use this anymore. I cannot even hook it up to the trailer hitch on the truck. How would I ever be able to launch the damn thing, seeing how much trouble Himself had out in the water in his waders, hair getting in his mouth, bugs biting him on top of his head? No way. It's Outta Here! It's old, it's tiny, clunky, very ugly, but it's a boat with a trailer, trolling motor, brand new marine battery, metal lock box, new seats, cup holders, paddles, the Works! Between that and the heater, I should have enough for the mortgage. Hooray!!!
***
I'm losing a lot of weight. Usually this means I am sick. I don't feel sick. Sad, lonely, suffering from survivor's guilt, but not sick. Must be stress. I haven't seen this figure in the mirror since I auditioned at a strip club to make the rent and they told me to come back after I had lost 15 pounds. Now I need to make muscles. I think hauling water and dog food and digging in the dirt to make room for new trees and shrubs should qualify as working out in a gym, only, more fun.
Thank you all for all your support and kind thoughts of love and peace -- now it's time to go help Crazy Tracy. She's lost her mind and can't seem to find it anywhere... She needs support now because she was there for me, she had my back when I needed it, so now it's her turn for me to stand with my back to hers, so she can lean back on me, without fear of falling down. I have linked to three of her recent posts where in her exquisite way, she describes the terror of what it feels like to lose control, to have a part of your brain attack your sensibilities. Please go read, so you will understand, so you can have a glimpse inside the curious inner workings of the human mind, outstandingly written by a psyche nurse.
***
There is a terrible and furious wind blowing through the cosmos. We need to stand together, to make a human windbreak to keep out the awful death breath of terrorists, of insanity, of lonliness, of psychopolitics.
We can do this. As my good friend George would say: We are ever all One.
Thank you for dropping by and leaving such a sweet comment! I love reading your stories, and admire how strong you are...
Posted by: Kim | July 11, 2005 at 10:49 AM
WHOOT!!!! See I TOlD you you'd make it!! Glad to see you feisty again Kate!!! Keep it up!!
Posted by: mary lou | July 11, 2005 at 02:54 PM
i lost my mind too. i'm just sitting here thinking what to do about it.
i'm so so glad you're feeling a little better now. that's the best news i've had all week.
how do you fuel your heaters up there? oil? propane?
Posted by: rm | July 11, 2005 at 07:12 PM
Robbie, have you checked under the sofa? I find all kinds of things under there. Have you looked in the cushions? I find even more interesting things in there, like, when my brother in law was getting ready to make up the couch, he pulled out something and said: "What's this?" And grabbing it as fast as I could,"I wondered where that went ... it's an old sports bra. I can't stand to wear any of that stuff, so as soon as I get home, off it comes! Ha ha ha!"
He was grossed out, I was embarassed, a good time was had by all.
***
We use heating fuel. Which was a riot last winter when the oil prices skyrocketted. I may need to take in washing this winter, to suppliment the heating bill. (j/k) I can barely do my own washing. If I could just teach the doggies how to turn on the machine, they'd be a great help, I'm sure. Then I'd have to train them not to play tug of war, or roll around on the wet sheets, scratching their backs and stuff.
Posted by: Kate S. | July 12, 2005 at 09:06 AM
People: Kim's dentist has an esoteric, uh, artistic sense: see the post, "Pornographic Dentist."
I'm waiting for pictures.
***
Mary Lou, were you a cheerleader in your youth? Because you certainly are one now and I am so thankful -- you kept the plumb line right where it was supposed to remain, and you kept vigil faithfully.
I loved your card! It's so beautiful! You are so talented in many areas. What a pleasure it has been knowing you through this funny blogospheric family we have. Aren't we lucky?
Posted by: Kate S. | July 12, 2005 at 09:13 AM
I forgot to mention: this picture of the reindeer (a domesticated caribou) was taken by my brother in law at Santa Clause House in North Pole, on one of our few jaunts out after the funeral to see the "sights."
I think his name was Blitzen -- there were two there, one was named Comet. But the one in the back had a terrific rack on him, you can see the velvet covering his antlers, which they will shed in fall (shortly after that, the antlers will dislodge and remove themselves, wish I could do that.) His rack was so big, I kept thinking he would fall over from the sheer massive weight on top his head, being top heavy, but he didn't. He just shook, to get the mosquitos off of him and kept on eating his reindeer Kibble.
He says "Hi!" by the way... (They're very friendly.)
Posted by: Kate S. | July 12, 2005 at 06:55 PM
I found you in a random way
I'm so sorry for your loss and so inspired by your courage
Hang in there!
mb
Posted by: Mary Beth | July 13, 2005 at 12:07 PM
Kate, thanks for keeping an eye on the Brat. What the heck is he up to now? Oh my head hurts just thinking bout' it.
Posted by: Missouri Mule | July 13, 2005 at 02:31 PM